Slowing down

Needless to say, I'm not the best at keeping up with my blog.  However, in this moment, I want to record every single thing about my boys as possible.  Why?

They.  Are.  Getting.  Too.  Big.

Braden's teacher sent us an email this afternoon, and one sentence stood out:

"We are on our way to 3rd grade!"

 

HUH?  WHAT?  WHEN?

 

With every fiber of my being, I wanted right then and there to stop the clock.  I have read about moms who say they want to bottle their kids' laughs.  I thought it was a cute notion, and never really thought about what they were wanting. 

 

 

Now I know.  Boy, do I know.

 

 

This pile of second grade journal writing by my oldest son stopped me in my tracks, got me from 100 to 0 in 1 second flat.  I feel like I am missing out on so much of their childhood, even though I am right here beside them.  It's like I'm walking around with a blindfold on, and I can hear everything just fine, but I'm not seeing them, *really* seeing them.  Braden will be 8 in just a few weeks.  Ryan will be 4 in a couple of months.  I'm so busy making nothing moments everything, and my everything moments nothing. 

 

"Mom, come play with me!"

 

"In a minute honey, Mommy has to finish *insert a nothing activity*, then I'll play."

 

An hour later, I'm still busy in my nothingness.  I know they'll forget, and I take advantage of that.

 Shame on me. 
 

There is going to be a day when there's no marker on my walls, no water on the bathroom floor, and no toys strewn in the playroom.  There won't be boys running around after their bath, no video game music floating in the air, and no arguing over who gets to be the good guy first.  That, my friends, is everything.  When will I learn?  Will I be too late?  Will I sit in my kitchen and long for the days I stepped on Legos or picked up someone's shoes to return to their closet?  Right now it seems that a clean house, neat organization, and minimal chaos is what makes me happy.  Then I stopped and listened.  I really listened.  Boys splashing in the tub, my husband serenading them with his guitar while they're in the tub fighting over toy cars.  And I listened to my everythings.  My God-loves-me-so-much-He-gave-me-THEM everythings.  And my heart burst with joy and sadness all at the same time.  I love them with a love that is indescribable, but I'm missing out on so much of their childhood.  So tonight I stopped.  I listened.  I played.  I cried out and prayed to God that I don't miss out on their childhood any longer.  I praised Him for blessing me with these two amazing little boys.  Allowing my husband and I witness them grow from sweet, little infants to the precious children they are today.  And praying that we will continue to see them grow into the amazing adults I know God plans for them to be one day. 

 

And I realized that my family is what makes me happy.  Truly, undeniably, happy. 

 

So next time I hear:

 

"Mom, will you play with me?"

 

I know that the laundry can wait, the dishes will be done soon...

 

"Yes, sweet boy, I will play with you."





Has it really been over a year since my last entry?  I think I understand what my parents meant when they said it all goes by way to quickly.  Braden is 6 now.  6??  How did that happen?  Wasn't he just a 2 year old running around and being all cute?  Wait, that's Ryan.  Yes, Ryan is now 2 and is really starting to get into character.  He's so different and yet the same as Braden.  I look at them and thank God a million times over that I get to be their mommy. 

Firsts

Last week we celebrated a first--Ryan's first birthday.  It was a beautiful day-blue skies, warm temperatures, great friends and family.  Ryan was a trooper too, being held by lots of people, hardly fussed, and ate his cake (and hamburger patty) pretty well.  More than likely it will be our last first birthday party.  We are pretty sure we are not having any more children--of course God may tell us otherwise--and so I hope I can savor the memories for a lifetime. 

Preparing for the party was fun.  I had a blast buying green and blue plates, decorations, the food for the party, and making the cupcakes.  I even made "homemade" icing and tinted it myself, then used a pastry bag and tip to decorate the tops.  Not too bad if I say so myself.  I've never made the cake for any of Braden's parties, so I've given myself an imaginary pat on the back for that one.

Tomorrow, we'll celebrate another first--registering our first child for his first year of school--kindergarten.  I knew this day would come, but I'm surprised at how quickly it arrived.  Surprisingly enough, I actually have all of the paperwork needed to get him registered.  Braden will do well in school; me, I'm not sure how well I will handle the next 4 months.  That first day of school makes me want to run in the opposite direction and cradle my "baby" at home in the rocker.

Oddly enough, I remember my first day of school.  It was at Marvin Elementary and I was in Mrs. Slater's class.  There was a kiva in the classroom.  I remember kids crying left and right, but I was determined to be brave.  I remember not wanting my mom to leave, but I was not going to cry.  That year ended up being miserable.  It started with the school making my class "Hispanics only".  I did not speak Spanish, although several of my classmates only spoke Spanish.  I remember my teacher leaving the classroom for long periods of time, and leaving me in charge, with a stack of books for me to read aloud to the class.  I also remember this woman locking me in a closet and calling me an "Indian giver" because I let a girl borrow my beads (back then the cool thing to do was string beads on safety pins and make long chains.  My mom was awesome and made me some pretty cool chains.) and I asked for them back.  The girl claimed I let her have them and I was in turn punished. 

Surely, he'll have a better year, right?  I mean, if I remember my first day of kinder, he might too.  Will he be liked?  Picked on?  Will the teacher like him?  Will she think he's "that" kid?  I guess teaching for 10 years has twisted my view of things on THIS side of it all.  I am now the parent.  And I'll probably be THAT parent. Now for the "a-ha" moment, because I now am starting to "get it". 

I've held several jobs throughout my life, but this momma gig--by far the hardest. So many gray areas and not enough black and white.  Too many "what ifs" and not enough certainties.  I suppose, though, that this one certainty is enough--God knows the answers to these questions.  There is nothing in the world that I can do to ensure anything, but knowing that God is there before we are is comforting.  He knows, and He loves my children more than my brain can fathom.

But even still, these firsts are exciting yet scary, inevitable yet unexpectedly here.  Happening NOW.  Whether I feel ready, or not.

Bottlenecking

Today was definitely challenging.  There is a wreck everywhere I turn.  Kitchen? Wreck.  Bathrooms?  Double wrecks.  Living room and bedrooms?  Let's not even go there.

Why can't I stay on top of things?  Sure, I work full time, have two boys, a husband...but what keeps me from staying on top of the laundry?  The toys?  I'm not really sure.  Most days it bothers me.  I mean, REALLY bothers me.  I'll get something picked up, turn to another thing, and wham!  It's as if I never cleaned up in the first place.  I don't see how people like my mom did it all.  I wish I could ask her where I've gone wrong.  Honestly, I think it has something to do with the time period.  30 years ago there was no email, iPhones, Facebook, or even Twitter.  The most exciting night out was a Tupperware party every now and then. 
I wish I had a knack for keeping things immaculate.  Will that come one day?  Who knows.  The only thing I can do is keep on trying...

In search of fluff

Another attempt at restarting my blog. Will it be the last attempt? Probably not. Between taking care of two active boys, trying to keep up with housework, staying on top of my full time job I have from home, and everything in between it is just difficult to keep up with the fluff.

My baby will turn a year old in 8 days. Yes, single digit. How in the world did that happen? Wasn't he just born? It makes my head spin just thinking about how quickly this year has flown. When I think about Braden's first year and Ryan's first year, there are several differences. I think I paid more attention to the fluff when Braden was a baby. We had professional pictures at 1, 3, 6, and 12 months of age. We've yet to have any done of Ryan. I took naps with Braden when he was tiny. Today I think my brain has forgotten the meaning of the word. And it doesn't end there.

Does this mean I love Ryan any less than Braden? My brain tells me of course not, however my heart feels guilty. I know, he'll never remember. He's a boy and won't really care. I care. I am so much busier now than when Braden was a baby. Does that make me a bad mom? I don't think so at all. But I do realize I need-and want-to have more fluff moments.

Toys are scattered everywhere, Cheerios are stuck to the high chair, that mountain of laundry in the middle of my room keeps growing. When I close my eyes and focus on the important things, it's the fluff: playing a game with Braden, tickling Ryan, snuggling with them both in the recliner. My kids won't remember that I had all of their clothes always folded neatly in their drawers. They won't remember if mom and dad's bed was made every day. They'll remember the trips to the circus, the picnics in the front yard, the wrestling matches in the living room on rainy days. They'll remember their mommy tucking them in at night and whispering "I love you more" in their ears. They'll remember daddy hoisting them on his broad shoulders and feeling as if they're the most important person in the world--and they are. They'll remember feeling loved and cherished and they'll remember how important they are to their parents.

Fluff. It's what memories are made of.

A lot has happened

So much has happened over the last however long it's been since I've blogged. Let's see, Braden turned 4 and oh yes, Ryan Michael was born! As a matter of fact, he's just about a month old. Time sure is flying already. Braden is so over the moon over his brother--most of the time. It seems he needs a drink, a snack, a hug, a kiss, or wants to play whenever I need to feed Ryan. And that, my friends, is very often.

See, Ryan is to eat every 2 hours per the doctor. Something came back weird on his newborn screen, so we had to take him to Children's in Dallas for more "extensive testing". They had to draw blood from his arm--have you ever seen a blood draw taken from a newborn?--it was so incredibly sad. Then we had to do a urine catch, which was interesting business. We were there 5 hours and thank goodness we had our friend Jennifer watch Braden. I don't think he could have lasted that long.

We are waiting the results from these tests. Through God's mercy I have not obsessed over it. I have more important things to do--kissing two sweet boys.

Today is the day--we will hopefully find out whether we should buy pink or blue! So excited, because Devin gets to come to this appointment and we'll have Braden with us, as well as my BF Jennifer! I don't really care either way, just as long as this baby is whole and healthy!